Well - you'd think that the title of my last entry alone would have been enough to shout "Will you just stop wallowing in self pity!" to myself. It wasn't. So, until about an hour ago when I sat myself down to have a harsh talking to myself, I was mulling around our house sniffling, moaning & occasionally crying.
WHAT, FOR THE LOVE OF MUFFINS, HAS GOTTEN INTO ME?
Sure - I have been ill. Actually, I am currently ill, but my very recently discovered "look on the brightside" demeanour won’t allow me to think about it for longer than it takes to pop a Sudafed
tablet. And todays "sick day"...ahem, should I say "house-centric work free day" has given me some time to do some thinking (It has also give me time to listen to the backyard be whipper-snippered to within one inch of it's life, answer 3 telesales calls from robots, one from a real live Indian - with whom I had an argument - & let the gas man into to read the meter. But I am trying to be positive, so we will glide over those issues)
I can happily acknowledge that I haven't had the most brilliant 6 month period. However I am intelligent enough to realise that one little operation, a shitty job & living in a (sometimes hostile) droll & dreary country (which I, for the most part, made us move to) does not put me on the top of the "Worlds most hardly done-by people" list. I have not had most of my family wash away in a Tsunami, I have all my limbs, generally good health, an awesome partner, the country I live is not in war or crisis, I have enough food (actually more than enough).... I have no reason to be feeling so down about everything, but I am.
Maybe I'm homesick, maybe I miss all my friends & family - especially with Christmas coming up, my work isn't tops - but some of you might remember receiving teary phone calls when I didn’t have a job! Ho hum.
I feel a bit Jekyll & Hyde like. My emotional self & my (sometimes) rational are doing battle & I dont know who's going to win. Rarely do I even know whose side I am on. I suspect this is pushing me towards an early & extremely long list of resolutions/changes for the New Year.
I know the things I would like to change. A few of them are things I have trying to do for a long time. I'm sure there are many things that will just start to fall into place when the first few sort themselves out. I'm going to start a list & put it on my blog. That way, it will be a matter of public record & a list on which to tick off concoured/acheived items.
I'll start with these:
- Get fit/lose weight. I know - your traditional resolution stuff. However with my major excuse out of the way (my knee) I'd now like to get healthy. On the occasions I have been a regular gym goer, I have liked the feeling of achievement & strength you get after working hard. I would like to find a gym - that shouldn't be too hard to do.
- Skill up. This year’s experience of not being able to get back into IT has been incredibly demoralising. Initially it was the pay issue - I didn’t realise how much my self esteem was connected to my wage. Now it is the pure boredom factor. I need to get some sort of qualification to get me back into challenging work. This I see as essential. Uni starts in October over here & it will probably take me that long to save the tuition fees (£3000/year at last count).
- Find some way to get out & do some gardening. I miss gardening so much. There are a few places that might need some help occasionally. If this doesn't work out, I' m thinking I might volunteer at
Really, I could go on ~ and will in later blogs. These are the biggies & I think starting to tackle these will make a big difference.
The photo of today is titled "The things you miss when you are at work". It was the veiw from our balcony at about 5pm tonight. It reminds me of the summer sunsets back at home.
1 comment:
You go girl :)
Post a Comment